Happy Birthday to the Best Mom in the World!

I wasn't always that close with my mom. Maybe closer than some people but I never felt really close with her even when I was young. She was my mom, I loved her, she took care of me and taught me well. While growing up, we were fortunate enough to have her be a stay at home mom so she was always around. But it was my brothers with whom I was closest.

I started to dislike her, or rather her authority over me, the older I got. As I said, she was always around so it was hard to get away with anything. I found some ways though, as the clever, calculating and sneaky teen aged girl that I was.

I was trouble. I raged, I threw tantrums, I'd get violent, sneak out, use drugs. My parents put me on anti-depressants which only made my head clearer and able to make better sense of anarchistic and atheist points of view. What a lovely backfire, I thought (insert maniacal laughter here) from my devoutly religious and conservative upbringing. They sent me to an all girls, lock down treatment facility for seven months, in Orem, Utah when I was fifteen. When I returned home, I left again and moved in with my boyfriend in his mom's garage. I really didn't want much to do with my parents. Especially not my mom.

I traveled the country by hitchhiking and riding freight trains. Slept under bridges, in bushes and empty houses. Ate out of the garbage and stole cigarettes and booze. Made friends with shady characters and got harassed by police.

I didn't do these things to piss off my mom. I just did them. I knew she worried about me but I didn't really think about it. I just did what I did. Before I turned eighteen, I was required to call my parents once a week from wherever I was and I did that. I was OK with that. Even if I just left a message, they knew that I was still alive. I never asked them for money or to bail me out, only checked in.

Once I came of age, I still called. I don't remember if I called once a week but I know it was regularly (I'm sure my mom remembers).

My parents had done something for me that a lot of other parents wouldn't and didn't do, they let me be. They let me go through what I had to go through. They didn't beg me to come home, file run away reports or tell me that I was fucking up or hurting them, they just let me be. They had the presence of mind about them and knew me well enough to know that if they pushed me at all, they would push me away.

I didn't realize it at the time but they were loving me so unconditionally. I had no clue. But what I did know was that I felt comfortable and safe talking to them and staying with them when I was in town.

I didn't realize at the time that what they did for me, would leave the possibilities for our relationships wide open to acceptance and love.

When I went to visit my family while I was pregnant with my son, I remember sobbing uncontrollably and apologetically to my mother for all the worry I had caused her when I was out on the road.

When I became a mother myself, my mom become my ally. For a while she was still "my mother" but we had something bigger in common. She eased my mind and heart so many times as I learned to care for my son.

I struggled through a divorce, my alcoholism and an abusive relationship. She was there for me even though I knew that it tore her heart apart to watch me go through all the pain. She let me go through it, she didn't beg me to stop drinking or to leave my boyfriend (but I'm sure she wanted to). She let me do what I had to do.

After I got sober a lot of things changed in me. Through my personal growth and awareness, I started to be able to appreciate my mother as a human being, perfectly flawed and beautiful. My mom stopped being just "my mom" and we became friends.

Its been an amazing experience to grow with her as a human being and as a woman. Our lives parallel in so many ways it's uncanny. We've been through so many ups and downs over the last few years.

She has been a pillar of strength, support and love, a supplier of an unquantifiable supply of chocolate and an example of acceptance, growth, creativity, laughter, faith and adaptability.

She is my mom and she is my friend and I don't know what I would do without her in my life! I am blessed beyond words to have such an amazing and beautiful human being on this path with me!

Happy Birthday Mom! I did my best to express my love and appreciation for you in words. But as a writer yourself, I'm sure you know, that sometimes there just aren't words.