goodbye son, you will be missed

  It's that time of year again. The time of year when my son's father and I pass our son from one hand to the other. He has been with me this last year so that means, you guessed it, he will spend the next year with his father. This will be the 4th time I have done this and it doesn't get any easier.

   The first year I was basically drunk most of the time in my life and did my very best to not feel a damn thing. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Partly because I felt as though the reason it was happening was all my fault. And partly because I had to put my 7 year old son on a plane all by himself. We cried. The stewardess was very sweet and let him board the plane as late as possible. Later I found out he was bumped to first class and fed chocolate cake! I went to a park with my friends and had a few drinks.

   The second year I was about 4 months sober and had some extra money so I decided to drive him. I took 2 weeks off from work, loaded us, the dog and our gear in a 1993 Volvo sedan and hit the road! It was a great trip. We got to see friends, family and the beautiful landscape this country has to offer. I took him to his dad's house and got to stay there for a few days (recooperating from food poisoning). It was awesome to see where and with who he would be living and just get the feel for the situation. It really made the transition a bit easier for me. 

  The 3rd time I took him to the airport again, this time by myself. I don't remember as much about this time around. I do remember sitting in the terminal in a great amount of pain. I didn't want to be doing this, again. I remember telling him, "if you ever don't want to feel this way, we can do something about it". I didn't realize at the time how fucked up of a thing that was to say, I just didn't want to hurt and I didn't want my boy to hurt either. 

    

   In all these previous years, the time leading up to his departure was rough. I am constantly thinking about how much it's going to hurt when he leaves. And then I dwell on that. I am so good at dwelling on what my anticipated feelings might be. So much so that I ruin the present moment, I lose it. I am only thinking about the pain of watching that plane he is on get smaller and smaller and how lonely that 90 mile drive back home will be. How empty the house will be with him gone, his spirit, his laughter. How any gatherings with friends or family just aren't quite right with him not there. It's easy to see why one could dwell on such things. (*choke* commence tear wiping)
   This year has been different. The thoughts of how life will be with him gone are still there but they do not own me. Call it growth, I don't know, but this year I have been more present. I have been able to enjoy all of the misc adventures we have had and will have up until the minute he leaves. All without that sense of impending doom and loneliness that I've had in the past. It's been great. And weird. What a gift! We get to spend out last month together being in the moment and having fun.  

   This whole situation is bittersweet. When it is his time to be with me, its so easy to receive him. I am, of course, wrapped up in my joy to be with my son again but it is hard to watch him leave his father. It's wonderful having him around when he is, however it is also quite difficult to be a single mom with few breaks for a whole year. It is a strange blessing to get a "year off" but as nice as that may be, I don't think it will ever get easier to take my child somewhere and drive away knowing he will not be back for a year. The best part about him leaving is that he is going somewhere that he is loved dearly. He has a whole other family in Colorado, friends and pets. They all love having him around as much as we do and they are anxiously awaiting his arrival! What more could a mother ask for?

   For a long time I thought he would be doomed for a future of dysfunction and therapy because of this situation but at some point I realized that he couldn't have it much better! What an amazing opportunity for him to get to know himself as he grows up in all kinds of different situations. With different people, schools, homes and activities. He's exposed to so much more diversity than many adults I know. He's got it pretty damn good if you ask me. I have to keep these things in mind. It softens the blow knowing he has so many wonderful things going on in his life AND he really seems to enjoy it. 

   Saying good bye over and over again is tough. He grows so much in the spaces of time that I don't see him. The beauty is that I also get to say hello over and over again and that part is always wonderful!