lettered vitamins, 5htp, chocolate,
sex, caffeine wont shake
the feel
lost, wandering
blind by my own head
"where are you now my fingerprints?"
identity? ego? tied to?
who the fuck?
self doubt reigns the kingdom
when my soul suffocates
everything within screams
to birth
to vomit
to shit
to bleed
to create...create...create
lost without it
transform this into?
into you? into them?
into me?
lost, wandering, grasping
for the tiny sapling on
the hillside as I slide
scream for you to tell me
scream at my brain for silence
scream at my brain for silence
left alone
to go?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
ctd
oak leafed texture
patterned lovely
crowd the sidewalk
lead the way
to a 100 way intersection
too much traffic
frozen in time
it all rushes by
crowds my soul
passes on by
do I jump?
do I wait?
keep walking
old things gifted
parallel time frame
down the drain
circling, circling,
circling
almost gone
not quite
clogged
wind opens the path
fresh air
no despair
Sunday, September 16, 2012
no other choice
After a performance I am often alone. After being given appreciative
compliments, hand shakes and hugs, I am alone. After I exposed my heart,
a gift, an offering to the universe and those who'll receive, I am
alone. Not empty but alone, wondering what I do this for.
This whole creative process, artist, musician thing can be hard. It's easier to procrastinate sometimes because creating means getting to the heart of my shit. Unearthing something real, something raw about myself. It's often easier to get caught up in home projects, laundry, social activities. Anything to put off confronting whatever it is inside of me that I can't explain, that is trying to force it's way out of me.
I simplified my life so that I wouldn't be burdened with so many other, non-creative obligations. But I sometimes find myself wishing I had something else to do, looking for busy work and excuses, people.
When alone with myself, I am left to confront that which burns inside of me. It burns and scorches at my flesh and at my soul, until I stare it down, own it, then give it a name.
I do this because I don't have a choice.
This whole creative process, artist, musician thing can be hard. It's easier to procrastinate sometimes because creating means getting to the heart of my shit. Unearthing something real, something raw about myself. It's often easier to get caught up in home projects, laundry, social activities. Anything to put off confronting whatever it is inside of me that I can't explain, that is trying to force it's way out of me.
I simplified my life so that I wouldn't be burdened with so many other, non-creative obligations. But I sometimes find myself wishing I had something else to do, looking for busy work and excuses, people.
When alone with myself, I am left to confront that which burns inside of me. It burns and scorches at my flesh and at my soul, until I stare it down, own it, then give it a name.
I do this because I don't have a choice.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
open mind + open heart = endless possibilities
In less than a month I will embark on yet another huge change in my life. A great change, one I've been waiting for, patiently. And now that it is almost here, after all this time the pieces have fallen into place, I am excited and terrified all at once. Excited to finally be moving on with my life, in a direction that I have wanted for so long. Terrified because it means my whole world as I know it, will be turned upside down. That's the scariest and most exciting part. My world will open up in ways I have never dreamed possible and in ways that I can't possibly imagine right now.
I see this as the ultimate opportunity for life, for living! But with this opportunity comes great risk. Risks actually. I'm putting the comforts of the life that I know, food, heat, shelter, no roommates, on the line. I'm putting myself in the position to look foolish, to be totally wrong, to fuck it all up. I could be setting myself for total failure!
It's really all in how I look at it because if I DON'T do this, I set myself up for a different kind of failure. The kind that numbs my spirit. The kind that keeps me down. The kind that we learn to live with because sometimes the slightest possibility of success, personal success, where we actually are living out our wildest dreams, that success is the scariest thing we can comprehend.
What. If. I. Succeed?!
No way, not me, that's for other people! People I secretly envy. The lucky ones. But I'm stuck. Stuck in this meaningless job that I'm damn good at and where I'm appreciated. A job with a great boss and awesome co-workers. A job that is reliable. I'm stuck here because I told myself that there is no other way out. That this is just the way things are. That I can't make a living doing what I love. That there are no other jobs out there that I am qualified for that will pay me what I'm used to. That if I go to school to get more qualifications, I will go into great debt and likely end up with a job quite similar to the one I hold now. Stuck, yet again. Still unfulfilled and staring out that same window, knowing that there is a better life out there for me somewhere, but I'm stuck.
Well, FUCK THAT! I refuse! I'm done staring out that same window, punching that same clock, answering that same phone. I'm moving on! Because for me, what will happen if I stay where I'm at is worse than the absolute unknown that awaits me if I leave. If I stay, I continue the desecration of my spirit. Each minute of every day I have to live with myself knowing that I am still making this choice to deny myself of what is most important. Denying my spirit of following its purpose and the ability to be free and to love completely.
I used to think that in order to get there it had to look a certain way. Or to be happy and fulfilled I had to do certain things, and they could only be carried out in a specific way outlined by someone else. That it was conditional. And if I didn't do it the way that everyone else was, it just wouldn't work out right. That it would be too hard or impossible, or inadequate in some way. I no longer subscribe to this idea. Not just because I'm sick of it and think it's total b.s. but because I have experienced the opposite. And I refuse to believe that life is so black and white, so cut and dried as that.
I believe that there are an endless number of possibilities that only await action with each new choice we make. And that the possibilities, known and unknown, never end. No matter what. So if I want to go to school and learn how to run a business and be a traveling seamstress/musician, I can do that. Regardless of whether or not I have any idea what that looks like. It's what I want to do. It's what feeds my soul to no end and always has. Why would I deny that? Denying that no longer makes any sense in my brain.
Do you ever get that feeling in your gut when you're doing/experiencing something you love? That feeling you don't get doing other things, most things. That feeling that this is exactly what you should be doing and that you're genuinely full, happy, content? Where you know that you are ALIVE! And it happens every time you experience this thing, whatever it is. That feeling that there isn't really words for. It moves you somewhere deep within, beyond your physical body, beyond your ego. And for at least a moment, you cannot deny the power that it has over you and within you. I wonder what would happen if we all went with that gut feeling and actually pursued that dream. Lived it. Shared it. It would really be a different world now wouldn't it? Why don't we?
Fear. Fear of all the risks, fear of the absolute unknown. My personal experience has shown me that the fear is always greater when I'm closer to my dreams. However there is also a greater sense of relief, peace and of authenticity when moving beyond what I physically THINK I know and working towards a greater purpose. A purpose that I can't explain with words.
So onward I go, terrified and excited, into the great unknown, knowing that I am on my true journey. That I am finally ready for it. That it awaits me, that it is ready for me, that it needs me. And the only assumption I can make about what's to come is that if I continually keep an open mind and heart, then my mind and heart will continue to be blown open even more.
I see this as the ultimate opportunity for life, for living! But with this opportunity comes great risk. Risks actually. I'm putting the comforts of the life that I know, food, heat, shelter, no roommates, on the line. I'm putting myself in the position to look foolish, to be totally wrong, to fuck it all up. I could be setting myself for total failure!
It's really all in how I look at it because if I DON'T do this, I set myself up for a different kind of failure. The kind that numbs my spirit. The kind that keeps me down. The kind that we learn to live with because sometimes the slightest possibility of success, personal success, where we actually are living out our wildest dreams, that success is the scariest thing we can comprehend.
What. If. I. Succeed?!
No way, not me, that's for other people! People I secretly envy. The lucky ones. But I'm stuck. Stuck in this meaningless job that I'm damn good at and where I'm appreciated. A job with a great boss and awesome co-workers. A job that is reliable. I'm stuck here because I told myself that there is no other way out. That this is just the way things are. That I can't make a living doing what I love. That there are no other jobs out there that I am qualified for that will pay me what I'm used to. That if I go to school to get more qualifications, I will go into great debt and likely end up with a job quite similar to the one I hold now. Stuck, yet again. Still unfulfilled and staring out that same window, knowing that there is a better life out there for me somewhere, but I'm stuck.
Well, FUCK THAT! I refuse! I'm done staring out that same window, punching that same clock, answering that same phone. I'm moving on! Because for me, what will happen if I stay where I'm at is worse than the absolute unknown that awaits me if I leave. If I stay, I continue the desecration of my spirit. Each minute of every day I have to live with myself knowing that I am still making this choice to deny myself of what is most important. Denying my spirit of following its purpose and the ability to be free and to love completely.
I used to think that in order to get there it had to look a certain way. Or to be happy and fulfilled I had to do certain things, and they could only be carried out in a specific way outlined by someone else. That it was conditional. And if I didn't do it the way that everyone else was, it just wouldn't work out right. That it would be too hard or impossible, or inadequate in some way. I no longer subscribe to this idea. Not just because I'm sick of it and think it's total b.s. but because I have experienced the opposite. And I refuse to believe that life is so black and white, so cut and dried as that.
I believe that there are an endless number of possibilities that only await action with each new choice we make. And that the possibilities, known and unknown, never end. No matter what. So if I want to go to school and learn how to run a business and be a traveling seamstress/musician, I can do that. Regardless of whether or not I have any idea what that looks like. It's what I want to do. It's what feeds my soul to no end and always has. Why would I deny that? Denying that no longer makes any sense in my brain.
Do you ever get that feeling in your gut when you're doing/experiencing something you love? That feeling you don't get doing other things, most things. That feeling that this is exactly what you should be doing and that you're genuinely full, happy, content? Where you know that you are ALIVE! And it happens every time you experience this thing, whatever it is. That feeling that there isn't really words for. It moves you somewhere deep within, beyond your physical body, beyond your ego. And for at least a moment, you cannot deny the power that it has over you and within you. I wonder what would happen if we all went with that gut feeling and actually pursued that dream. Lived it. Shared it. It would really be a different world now wouldn't it? Why don't we?
Fear. Fear of all the risks, fear of the absolute unknown. My personal experience has shown me that the fear is always greater when I'm closer to my dreams. However there is also a greater sense of relief, peace and of authenticity when moving beyond what I physically THINK I know and working towards a greater purpose. A purpose that I can't explain with words.
So onward I go, terrified and excited, into the great unknown, knowing that I am on my true journey. That I am finally ready for it. That it awaits me, that it is ready for me, that it needs me. And the only assumption I can make about what's to come is that if I continually keep an open mind and heart, then my mind and heart will continue to be blown open even more.
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