goodbye son, you will be missed

  It's that time of year again. The time of year when my son's father and I pass our son from one hand to the other. He has been with me this last year so that means, you guessed it, he will spend the next year with his father. This will be the 4th time I have done this and it doesn't get any easier.

   The first year I was basically drunk most of the time in my life and did my very best to not feel a damn thing. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Partly because I felt as though the reason it was happening was all my fault. And partly because I had to put my 7 year old son on a plane all by himself. We cried. The stewardess was very sweet and let him board the plane as late as possible. Later I found out he was bumped to first class and fed chocolate cake! I went to a park with my friends and had a few drinks.

   The second year I was about 4 months sober and had some extra money so I decided to drive him. I took 2 weeks off from work, loaded us, the dog and our gear in a 1993 Volvo sedan and hit the road! It was a great trip. We got to see friends, family and the beautiful landscape this country has to offer. I took him to his dad's house and got to stay there for a few days (recooperating from food poisoning). It was awesome to see where and with who he would be living and just get the feel for the situation. It really made the transition a bit easier for me. 

  The 3rd time I took him to the airport again, this time by myself. I don't remember as much about this time around. I do remember sitting in the terminal in a great amount of pain. I didn't want to be doing this, again. I remember telling him, "if you ever don't want to feel this way, we can do something about it". I didn't realize at the time how fucked up of a thing that was to say, I just didn't want to hurt and I didn't want my boy to hurt either. 

    

   In all these previous years, the time leading up to his departure was rough. I am constantly thinking about how much it's going to hurt when he leaves. And then I dwell on that. I am so good at dwelling on what my anticipated feelings might be. So much so that I ruin the present moment, I lose it. I am only thinking about the pain of watching that plane he is on get smaller and smaller and how lonely that 90 mile drive back home will be. How empty the house will be with him gone, his spirit, his laughter. How any gatherings with friends or family just aren't quite right with him not there. It's easy to see why one could dwell on such things. (*choke* commence tear wiping)
   This year has been different. The thoughts of how life will be with him gone are still there but they do not own me. Call it growth, I don't know, but this year I have been more present. I have been able to enjoy all of the misc adventures we have had and will have up until the minute he leaves. All without that sense of impending doom and loneliness that I've had in the past. It's been great. And weird. What a gift! We get to spend out last month together being in the moment and having fun.  

   This whole situation is bittersweet. When it is his time to be with me, its so easy to receive him. I am, of course, wrapped up in my joy to be with my son again but it is hard to watch him leave his father. It's wonderful having him around when he is, however it is also quite difficult to be a single mom with few breaks for a whole year. It is a strange blessing to get a "year off" but as nice as that may be, I don't think it will ever get easier to take my child somewhere and drive away knowing he will not be back for a year. The best part about him leaving is that he is going somewhere that he is loved dearly. He has a whole other family in Colorado, friends and pets. They all love having him around as much as we do and they are anxiously awaiting his arrival! What more could a mother ask for?

   For a long time I thought he would be doomed for a future of dysfunction and therapy because of this situation but at some point I realized that he couldn't have it much better! What an amazing opportunity for him to get to know himself as he grows up in all kinds of different situations. With different people, schools, homes and activities. He's exposed to so much more diversity than many adults I know. He's got it pretty damn good if you ask me. I have to keep these things in mind. It softens the blow knowing he has so many wonderful things going on in his life AND he really seems to enjoy it. 

   Saying good bye over and over again is tough. He grows so much in the spaces of time that I don't see him. The beauty is that I also get to say hello over and over again and that part is always wonderful!

ordinary greatness

There is a part of me that wishes to be great, to be known, remembered, to be adored by millions. But I'm really just an average person with a pretty average life. I am coming to accept that. I think that I have potential to be great and so does everyone I know. I just don't necissarily have the desire or motivation to be extraordinary among my fellows or the world anymore. This does not mean I have no desires or motivation. It just means they are reasonable.  

The true desire is not about the money or the fame, therefore I don't need it on a large scale. It's about being understood and appreciated and that I can do on a much smaller level. In fact anyone can. There are billions of people in this world and to be genuinely understood and appreciated by a few of them is pretty cool, and probably not too difficult. I just have to do what I do and keep it real. That means small scale, that means honesty, that means respect and that means perseverance. I must let my creative juices flow from the place within me. I must do so in a way that honors myself as the human that I am. And I must never stop because it is what I do, whether I am great or not. I don't really have a choice.  

So as nice as it is to write a song or a blog or take a picture that people can relate to, understand or even love, it's more important that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that what I do is true for me. Then I can go forth with my own personal greatness. Comfortable and confident in the fact that what I have to offer is exactly that...what I have to offer. It's not what anyone else has to offer and it is not what everyone else will relate to or need. But hopefully someone will relate and somehow be helped by my own personal, ordinary brand of Carrie greatness. And that is worth much more than what money or fame can give me.

one home, several lives

In a few days I will be moving from my home. I have lived here for just over 7 years and loved almost every minute of it. It was for sale for 6 months when I got a solid offer and accepted. Not bad for the current market I think. But this blog isn't about how to sell your house.
I came to live here with my boyfriend our 6 year old son, 2 dogs and 4 cats. This home was quite a bit out of our price range but they were handing out home loans like candy at the time so we were able to get it without any problems. It's a cute 4 bedroom, craftsman style farmhouse built in 1928 on just over 3 acres. Located in a small country town that is home to a school, a post office, an auto repair shop, a general store, a tavern and a church.
We came here with dreams of a small junkyard, a brewing kitchen and a private dance club. A place to welcome friends and family, bar-b-cue on the deck and watch the sunset while the dogs run free. A property to pick apples for pie, keep bees for honey, harvest berries to make jam and grow lots pretty flowers. All to sell in a little stand by the road with an old coffee can to collect the money.
Funny thing life is, it has this way of not turning out like you planned. Things broke apart between my partner and I in less than a year of moving in. He left the house to me and left the state. I would have given it to him free and clear. All of those dreams I listed are great things, but I wasn't sure if they were actually what I wanted.
I asked one of my best friends to move in with me to help make the payments. She moved up from Seattle, practically on a moment's notice with her dog, cat, all her belongings, her huge heart and generous spirit. Together, we had a whole different set of dreams. We formed a band, invited boys over to drink with us and had lots of parties. We acquired a few more house and land mates and stayed up late, many a night in slap-happy giggle fits.
Then I met "him". He came along during all the fun we were having and things changed. My friend moved out of state and it was just me, him and my son living here. I was already on a huge drunken, guilt bender for the break up with my son's father. I felt terrible inside and found the perfect person to compliment all of my self hate. Needless to say, life got a lot worse. We had our own dreams together in this house but none of them worked out. He and I broke up after 2 years and he moved out of state.
After that it was much different. I was newly sober and pretty crazy. I held on to the house and all the dreams and fun I had ever had here. I made new dreams but most were just out of grasp. I was getting barely enough money from my job and ever changing room mates to pay the bills. Spending most of my spare time taking care of the house and property. It isn't much of a social life but I really do get a deep satisfaction out of fixing something on my home or eating some home grown vegetables for dinner while enjoying the view from my porch. The more care, maintenance, blood, sweat and tears I put into my home, the more I have grown to love it. The more it has become a part of my identity and solace.
The ongoing battle between my love for this home and my lack of ability to adequately care for it financially and physically, lead me to the decision to sell.
"What!? You're going to sell your house? But it's such an awesome place, I love your house!"
"You want to buy it?", I ask.
In all honesty I have not been "living the dream". The "dream" has been out of reach this entire time and that is exhausting. I haven't been able to live my dreams because I've been to busy trying to manage a dream big enough for four. And that was how I had to explain it to almost everyone I knew, when I told them I had decided to sell.
So all that said it makes perfect sense to sell my home, it's the right thing to do, the sensible and realistic thing to do. Reasonable, but not easy. I love it here! Any other place I have ever lived I was soooo ready to leave. "Get me outta here!" and "So long Stinktown!". I have never lived anywhere else in my life that I felt as safe, comfortable and truly at home as I have here. I love it here! This has been my home and that is not easy to leave.
One great comfort I get out of this sale is that the buyers love it too. They are really excited to live here and that makes me feel all warm inside. This house has been loved and well cared for its entire life, it shows in all the details. This family has a whole new set of dreams for this place and I really hope they get to actually live them, this home deserves that.
The fear I have is that I will never have another place that I can call my home again. That this is it. When I say good bye here, that it's the end of the line. It will always be someone else's home that I live in from now on. And I will never get to be totally comfortable in another house. I'm not sure why I feel this way, maybe because it took me 25 years to actually get here. Maybe not. But this belief is where my main difficulty lies. That's a tough thing for a girl like me. I have traveled far and wide to find a place to call home. I have many friends who go from one place to the next and they are just fine. I suppose I have always been waiting for the end result of home. Never quite making it were I am right now because it has to fit a certain criteria in order for me to call it "home". It may just be time to rethink my concept of "home". Although I'm not sure I'm ready to live by Tom Wait's philosophy "Anywhere I lay my head, I call my home".
I feel like I have lived about 5 different lives while in this house. And all the lessons that go along with living 5 lives. Those lessons are what I will really leave here with (those, some awesome memories and some really great friendships). I feel that is worth mentioning because when I reflect on my life here and how much I have changed and learned in such a short period of time, it blows my mind. I am a different person than who I was when I moved in here. I guess that's the point of this whole blog.
I have never been in this situation before in any way shape or form. I am a creature of habit and routine and find much comfort and safety in those. This is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Terrifying because it is unknown. Exciting because the possibilities for my life from here are endless! I could relish in that for quite a while. And trust me, I do. Probably a little too much.
So now, my son and I will move on to a totally different life without a clearly defined path. Just a general direction and a temporary place to lay our heads at night. But isn't that all we really have anyway?